So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
