Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?