The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You made out with two different species that night
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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