I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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