Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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