I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
