You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
