i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
