I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
