oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
