I wish I only lived at night.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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