My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
