I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
