Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
