I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
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We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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