when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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