I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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