The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
