please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
