im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
