Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
