2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
