saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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