does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
