Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
