why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
