he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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