I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
