Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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