I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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