so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
