I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
it's like iHOP with fire
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
