I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
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If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
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Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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