new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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