i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
