What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
