You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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