id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
