Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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