well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just forgot I was standing up.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
