I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
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Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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