I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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