I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
