I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
