thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
