I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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