I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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