The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
