Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
