I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
