I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm sobbing to NWA
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
