Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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