I CAN MOONWALK!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
