I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
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