Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
