I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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