I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
