My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
someone owes me an orgasm
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
