I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
