Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
